Episode 1
... and This Little Piggy Moved Out
Johnny moves in with his girlfriend Christine, and Joe (Iowa) moves in. Cal discovers that he forgot to proofread an advertisement at work, and goes in to frame his coworker. During the first night with Christine, Johnny freaks out and sleeps at the guys apartment. Randy gets rejected by the New Yorker for the 16th time. The second night, Johnny freaks out again, breaks up with Christine, and wants to move back into the apartment. They want to kick Cal out, but since his name is on the lease, they send Randy to tell Iowa that he has to leave. Randy finds out that Iowa is having problems adjusting to New York City emergency rooms and wants to return home, and then convinces him to stay. So instead they move Cal into the ""remarkably spacious"" walk-in-closet. Tess gets a part as the corpse of a dead stripper lying on top of a dumpster on NYPD Blue.
Episode 2
Beauty & the Beasts
Takes place a few days after the first episode. Tess's apartment is robbed, and she comes to the guys for help. While they make sure that her apartment is safe, Randy takes the opportunity to steal her diary so that he can find out more about her and what she wants in a man. Everyone except Cal tells Randy he shouldn't have done that. P.J. keeps telling everyone that his dog is named after them so that they will like him.
Episode 3
Iowa vs. New York
Mrs. Thorne, the woman whose cable they were stealing, dies and the guys lose cable. Tess gets a part as Commander Farcus of Planet Shiksod on Star Trek: Voyager (her first speaking part-- gets incinerated moments after touching the planet's surface: ""Don't point that at me, AAIIGGHHHH""). They want Cal to tap into someone else's cable so that they can watch Tess on TV. Iowa wants to get cable legally and is willing to spend his day off waiting for the cableman. The ""cableman"" comes and steals their TV, followed by the real cableman. Iowa goes to buy another TV, and spends $200 on a set that turns out to be their old TV.
Also, Cal steals clean underwear (38 Wide BVD) from the laundry room and Jenkins, the person he stole it from, comes looking for it. He is obsessed with finding the thief, and even tries to buy tracking equipment. Cal eventually encounters Jenkins in the laundry room, and taunts him.
Episode 4
Mr. Nice Guy
The apartment next door is being sublet by Laura Filbert, and P.J. gets a crush on her. Cal has his coworker Hanson hire Randy freelance to write copy for the ""CrackerTime Cracker"" ad campaign. P.J. gets advice from Johnny on how to talk to Laura, but is too shy and ends up running away from her. Johnny hits on her instead, and sleeps with her five times that night. P.J. gets mad at Johnny for two days. At work, Cal baits Pike at Philips against each other until they get into a brawl in the conference room. Hanson tells Cal that Randy has some excellent ideas for the campaign, and Cal steals them from Hanson because Randy was supposed to suck and cause Hanson to get fired. It turns out that Hanson set up Cal, and that Randy's work has the ""awful rancid stench of quality.""
Episode 5
Five Cards, No Studs
Facing another dull Friday night, the guys decide to have a poker night. Randy invites Tess, but she is going on a blind date. To show that he isn't weak, Johnny doesn't go to his mother's house for dinner and plays poker with the guys. Tess flees her blind date and shows up to play with them. Iowa's girlfriend Julie calls to remind him that it is their fifth anniversary together, and that they had agreed to either get engaged at this point or break up. Iowa isn't sure what to do, and calls her to tell her that he isn't ready for marriage, but instead ends up setting a wedding date of April 16. While showing Randy pictures of him and Julie, Randy points out that Iowa has a pained expression in all of them. Meanwhile, Johnny's mother has sent a policeman and a priest after him. Iowa calls Julie again to tell her that he isn't ready, and she gives him another week to decide.
Episode 6
The Ghost and Mr. Evans
In order to earn extra money, Tess starts walking dogs, and P.J. helps her because he's excellent with dogs. Cal sees a ghost in the middle of the night, who turns out to be Randy's grandmother. He decides that it's because of the stress of the ""Saltee Pops"" presentation he has been preparing, but when he continues to see the ghost (she even appears on his charts during the presentation), he sees a psychiatrist. It turns out that Cal received a card from his grandmother asking for help a few months ago, and Randy goes with him to visit her at the State of New Jersey Department of Human Services Wilbur Cross Memorial Seniors Facility. Cal finds out that she is a deadhead (which is why her husband left her) and that she wants him to take her to see the Grateful Dead at Madison Square Garden. P.J. has to stop helping Tess because his own dog gets jealous.
Episode 7
Party!!!
The guys are antsy because it's been snowing for days, and they feel cooped up. P.J. has been watching more TV than usual and becoming really odd. They decide to throw a ""Summer in February"" party to force P.J. to interact with people, and to perk themselves up. Cal gets excited and barbeques on the terrace during the party, and ends up getting hypothermia. Johnny spends the whole evening unsuccessfully hitting on one woman. Unfortunately, P.J. hides in the subway during the party. Tess comes to the party with her acting teacher, an obnoxious daytime soap star. While in the subway, P.J. meets Sandra Lefkowitz, a mime, and brings her to the party, where she promptly clears the house.
Episode 8
Erin Go Barf
Randy is down because of another rejection from The New Yorker, and because he has to work at the bar on St. Patrick's Day. Mory forgot to hire a band so Randy gets P.J. to make his musical debut. The rest of the guys come to bar for the party, and Johnny runs into Christine. He gets upset because he met her at last year's St. Patrick's Day party, and feels that he made a mistake by breaking up with her. Ethan, an aquaintance of Randy's from college, comes to the party with Tess, and Randy becomes more depressed because Ethan is a microsurgeon, lawyer, and just published his first book. After eleven beers, Iowa gets taken advantage of by a taxi driver (Zvi from ""Iowa vs. New York""). Cal sleeps with a women whom it turns out he slept with during the celebrations the night of the Rangers won the Stanley cup. Iowa returns the next morning after being taken all along the East Coast.
Episode 9
May I Borrow a Cup of Death
Iowa's been in New York for four months, and finally has a few days off from the hospital. The apartment nextdoor is being sublet by Ray and Cecile Sejowski, who fight all the time. Iowa is really concerned about their fighting, but the guys tell him that it is not the New York way to interfere. He thinks that he overhears Ray killing Cecile, and the guys tell him that he imagined it. When they see Cecile in the elavator with a trunk full of ""Red Sauce"" they all agree that Cecile killed Ray. When they call the police and confront her, she says that Ray left her and took all their savings with him. Iowa feels really bad, and buys her a ticket to Rio, where Ray and her were going to vacation.
Cal steals Jenkin's newspaper at the beginning of the show, and Jenkins later tries to catch him in the act using an electrified paper. He eventually cancels his subscription and starts to buy the paper, but finds out that Cal stole the Sports Illustrated football phone that he was supposed to recei
Episode 10
Nightmare in 15C
P.J. receives a portable computer from his father to encourage him to be more productive. Johnny is selected by the DA to host a press conference about a case he is working on. Tess gets a part (Female Officer #1) in a police film Tanglewood and Hardback, staring Charlie Sheen and Ted Danson. (Her character gets blown away in the first 5 minutes and spends the rest of the film in a coma.) Cal gets P.J hooked on an adult chat area (hottub.fun.com) on the Internet. Johnny becomes obssessed with improving his appearence for the press conference. Tess quits her job and tells off Bolek, the building owner, who hires a replacement. The replacement super, Freddie, gets the hots for Randy. The movie gets scrapped a few hours later, and Bolek won't hire her back. In order to get Tess her job back, Randy comes on to Freddie and tells her that he can't get involved with her while she works in the building.
Episode 11
The Maltese Falcone
P.J.'s dad is coming to visit, and P.J. is upset because he knows that his dad is just going to write him a check for $10,000. P.J. feels that this robs him of his dignity and shows that his father doesn't really respect him. Johnny has a mob informant, Tony, stay in the apartment because the previous safehouse was found out. P.J. decides to tell his father that he doesn't want his money, but isn't able to express his feelings. Tony runs off, and Johnny tries to convince him to do the right thing. P.J. performs a song in order to get his message across to his father. In stead of handing over the money, his father buys the song from P.J.
Episode 12
Tess Makes the Man
Tess gets an acting job as guest star as the science teacher, Miss Witherspoon on the sit-com Growin' Up, which according to P.J. is ""a whimsical view of growing up as seen through the eyes of twelve year old Jeffery Up."" P.J. agrees to take over the superintendent duties for the week while she films. Timmy, the actor who plays Jeffery, says he will make Tess a co-star if she sleeps with him. Meanwhile, Johnny is suffering from impotence and asks Iowa for help. Of note is the ""stamp test"" used to determine if it is of physical or mental causes.
Episode 13
Leap Into an Open Grave
P.J.'s father is in town again and wants to meet him for dinner. Cal cheats Hansen out of an account, and Steve wants him to go to Miami with him to make the presentation. Cal oversleeps and misses his flight. When Steve is about to fire him, Nancy informs Steve that his mother just died, and Cal is saved. P.J., Tess, Iowa, Randy, and Johnny go to meet P.J.'s father for dinner, but he missed his flight and won't be there. P.J. is picked up by Rita at the restaurant, and has a one-nighter with her. The next day his father comes by the apartment to tell him that he is getting married, and introduces Rita as his fiancee. P.J. gets upset, and is worried that Rita is a gold-digger. When he confronts his dad, it turns out that his father is broke, and that Rita has ""great big piles of money."" Cal crashes the funeral, and afterwards thinks that his performance, which included jumping into the open grave singing ""You are the Wind Beneath my Wings,"" got him fired. However, Steve was so impresse
